Drank Nero Classico Merlot at a barbecue this weekend. The wine had whiffs of volcano ash and school cafeteria french bread pizza, which unfortunately left me nostalgic for my fifth-grade boyfriend, who now owns an aquarium store and one pillow. 0 corks.
After a bottle of Owl Farm Cab before a job interview, I was able to confidently answer the question “What is your biggest fault?” with “I’m a perfectionist!” without breaking into a jimmy-fallon-outtake-giggle for ten whole seconds. 3 corks.
Graceland Pinot Grigio tastes like barns, ducks, and weed you used to buy from the almost-cute weirdo who hung out by the dumpster of Dunkin Donuts when you were sixteen. 3 corks.
Green Fog Sparkling Wine will make you forget about Marilyn Monroe once and for all. All editors and writers and filmmakers and photographers should drink it. 4 corks.
Marla Rossi Rose feels like a rocketship to space if by rocketship I mean gun and by space I mean my brain and also there’s a windshield with splattered thoughts. 1 cork.
Fox Song Merlot has about as much soul as a single Dorito. 4 corks.
I stayed away from wine for a year because it gave me migraines, and lo and behold, it was the worst year of my life. I broke down and drank some crisp Suncloud sparkling wine after Emerson (the dog whose wordy-faced owner-loser left with me ages ago) managed to step in two different piles of shit and tracked it through the Citibank lobby while I was closing my checking account. The Suncloud tasted like moss and docks and it made me laugh at my face in the mirror while I was crying. 10 corks.
A couple weeks ago I knocked over a bottle of Champagne Nicolas Feuillatte and used my computer keyboard as a sponge. No corks.
Kissing Dog is an obese Chardonnay that tastes of mouthfuls of salty plain yogurt. No corks.
Was drinking Montepulciano D’Abruzzo when I ran into my ex-boss, who was laid off from the newspaper two years ago. Now he’s sober, smoking-free, and a pole-yoga instructor. 1 cork.
Hints of logs and air are dimly lit in the rustic Naveran. Great paired with an empty cupboard and cut phone lines. 3 corks.
Fell asleep after a bottle of Rabbit Ridge Cab to wake at 4 am to a rambling text about me being “ptrigy alrittttt ad pretyy jajajaja ” from that Bourgouis Pig guy—Louis. We have a date this week to pick up some wellies for Emerson. 3 corks?
Vistandes is a modern yet retro Malbec that is innocently sexy while displaying backnotes of savory chocolate in the foreground and finishing with a lush spareness of anticipation. 3 corks.
Was drinking Potel-Aviron at Bourgeois Pig when I met some hairy asshole with a Tropic of Cancer tattoo on the inside of his forearm (the only place he didn’t have hair) and a voice like a monotone Cookie Monster who kept wondering out loud why women don’t have their thong hang out of their low jeans anymore. But after I finished the bottle I was back at his apartment, topless, cuddling with a shihtzu named Emerson. 4 corks.
