Drank a bottle of Mountain Moon Rosé to celebrate my cousin getting an apartment but then he failed his credit check and now I have a busted coffee table. No corks.

Down Over Shiraz: Smell notes of silly putty (including a Lockhorns comic about bad cooking on the putty) complicate this otherwise typical red. 2 corks.

I ushered in the NEW YEAR with a wine cocktail for the ages (ours)! I present to you,

The Plant Killer

Mix one part Hugo Cabernet with two parts Arizona Sparkling Wine and two packs Winston cigarettes. Breathe aftermath onto your peace lily struggling in the corner. Voila! Dead plant by the sunrise. 4 corks.

Because of Latitude Pinot Noir, I now know I have the entirety of Nelly’s “Hott in Heerrrreeee” memorized. Pretty impressive, until my cousin sang all the words to  “Buffalo Stance.” 4 corks.

Two bottles of Gold Firecracker Zinfandel can make even the most nerve-wracking cab ride seem like a lighthearted Jame Bond chase with a splash of surrender and a twist of blackout. 3 corks.

Fern Riesling has as much originality and depth (not to mention factory taste) as small-vendor bandanas, of which my cousin has a disturbingly large collection in the corner of the bathroom. Bandana Mountain. 1 cork, for the pink America one.

Shared two bottles of Black Projector Merlot with my cousin on Thanksgiving and now he’s staying with me until he finds an apartment. We already had to talk about his socks. No corks. None at all.

Slipped on glass from a broken bottle of Square Peg Cabernet after the election results during my impromptu performance of an Obama speech. The bottle was the mic. 4 corks.

Pro-tip: No need to wait for Halloween to ride the Cyclone at night while their lights are turned off. You can achieve this black-out effect anytime in the summer after a bottle of Concerto Chianti. Even during the day! 4 corks.

Drank Lush Leaves Albarino in spritzer format while watching a midnight showing of Fast Times at Ridgemont High and felt renewed disgust at Sean Penn’s face and what I imagine was his odor ranking out from the celluloid, which I will describe thusly: burnt sweat. 1 cork.

 Where  my boxed-wine bodegaas @? R U on the wine-beat for hte turnstile sexion of the New York Endtimes? I gotsta drink a bottle o fwine of Dusty Bird Merlot to cure thiss hangover I aquired aftrer drinking a box of Dusty Bird Merlot. 4 corkas.

Thanks Letterpress Merlot for the lovely mouth I sported  all last evening while at a dinner party with professional atmosphere people (models). New idea for lipstick color: Merlot Sand. 1 cork.

Emerson spilled my glass of Bibebas Chianti all over his face and now he’s licking every   tennis ball in the apartment. I guess they are his best friends. 4 corks.   

Nearly drowned in a hot tub of hot water and hot De Vivre Champagne after trying to swallow what I thought was a bubble but was actually a small snow globe of the universe. You understand my mistake.  2 corks.   

After three glasses of Chateau Morte Pinot Noir I made twenty wishes on twenty shooting stars and one has already come true (Emerson brought me a bag of chips from across the room on demand). 4 corks.